On Communication

For the most part we think we are good communicators. We may not necessarily enjoy all aspects of it (i.e. public speaking) and we may stumble with or over words and phrases, but we can get a point across. If we have to turn up the volume a little bit, it’s no big deal. We can make ourselves be heard.

Communication, however, is a two-sided affair. Even if you are talking to yourself, there is the one speaking and the one listening (or the one writing and the one reading, etc). The speaking role is the one that often comes most naturally. We seem to have an innate urge to express ourselves and language quickly becomes the default means. How often are young children told to “use your words”? Early in life, speaking becomes the acceptable way of seeking reward or necessity. Hell, some even attempt to require it of pets! We associate speaking with power and influence. Be they ministers, entertainers, or politicians (ugh), we elevate and attend to those who speak effectively.

To be competent leaders, and we are all leaders at various times and in various scenarios, we must state our case clearly. A useful definition of leadership is meeting one (or many) where they are and going forward together in common interest. As the leader it is your responsibility to make yourself clear. Language is your tool and the more precisely you wield it the better. If, for instance, you are an engineer speaking to a room full of accountants, mightn’t you be more effective using business-tinged examples rather speaking of structural forces and loads? Think of the last conversation you had with a fancy doctor (are they all fancy now?) and how his/her big and obscure vocabulary made you feel. The (Richard) Feyman Technique suggests that unless we are able to explain ourselves to a six-year-old we have not sufficiently refined our thoughts and presentation. This is not to be confused with talking down to your audience. If you are apt to talk down to others (and if you are you likely aren’t reading this), I would suggest your goal is to force a particular thought or behavior and most definitely not communicate in a respectful way. Point is, as a speaker your primary goal should be to present your ideas in the clearest, simplest manner no matter the audience.

Yes, effective speaking takes a little work, but it’s the easy part of this interaction.

If there is one inescapable key to finding success and meaning in this life, exceptional listening is it. Truth be told, in conversation most of us listen for a chance to interrupt. We know where this is going anyway, so let’s take a shortcut. Let’s call this selfish listening, because it’s about neither the speaker nor the topic, it’s about us. We all do it as a function of the know-it-all ego. We even do it to ourselves. How often has someone repeated your just-spoken words to you and you would have sworn you never said that? Or how often have you had to repeat, to yourself, your own words to make them stick? It’s kinda funny when you think about it. But, needless to say, selfish listening is always an opportunity missed.

Skilled listening, capital “L” listening, deep and generous listening is an attempt to hear and understand, to get both content and context. Though seldom practiced it is not difficult. It does require acceptance on your part, as in, accepting that you do not know it all. It requires being fully present and open to ideas and beliefs that may challenge your own. It requires caring for your partner in this communication exercise. When listening with acceptance and openness one can sometimes hear the difficult, unsaid thing that serves both parties in unforeseen ways or the little nuggets of insight that spark your own intuition and facilitates even greater understanding. Deep, generous listening is both a kindness and a gift.

Conversations with your Self, your family and coworkers and friends, with Nature, and with God are more productive, more satisfying, and more helpful when you prioritize deep listening. Just as close reading makes you a better writer, deep listening makes you a better and more impactful speaker.

John Donne famously wrote No Man Is An Island about the interconnectedness of one to the whole. Our ability to communicate effectively strengthens that connection. However, even were a man to find himself alone on an island, the conversation in his head would continue.

The less we take communication for granted the richer our lives will be.